I'm writing again these letters to you.... (finch)

Dear Mitch,

I just wanted to take a minute to tell you how much you mean to me. There are few people I have kept in contact with since high school and I am so glad that you have been one of them. You have such a fun, upbeat energy about you that makes it impossible to be sad around you. You're the biggest goofball I know and you always make me laugh. Some of my favorite times from high school include skipping church to go to your house and raid your kitchen. I also remember how much fun you were on basketball trips; I loved how you entertained everyone on the bus. Like I said you make everyone laugh in any situation. You are so loved by everyone in high school; you fit in with EVERY crowd. That's something I'm really jealous of!

I remember when I was going through some hard times in high school and you were always there for me. You never judged me or turned your back on me; you stuck right by my side. I will never forget that; I will always remember the sincerity and loyalty that you showed me. Again, another huge trait that I admire of yours.

I also admire your bravery and courage. I look at how you have handled such a tough situation and it makes me marvel at your strength. Your attitude has been so positive throughout the last couple of years; not once have you expressed any bitterness or anger. Not once have you used any of your illness for personal gain or sympathy. Not once did I hear you complain or ask "Why me?" I still remember when you were diagnosed. You named your tumor! You made it a joke... I know now that you did it to put everyone around you at ease. You didn't crumble beneath this trial - you stood tall and strong for all of your friends and family.

I don't know what I would do if I was put in that situation. I would probably shut myself out from the world, stop going to school, and give up. You didn't though Mitch. You stayed in school determined to fight this to the end. And what a fight you gave... you weren't just mentally strong you were physically strong. That damn tumor didn't know who it was messing with.

Mitch, I'm trying so hard to be strong like you. But I find myself breaking down and crying every few hours. I have to be honest Mitch... I am so angry. Not at you... at whoever took you away. I understand that we can learn so much from trials... but everyone around you learned from this trial. We saw how courageous one person can be... why couldn't we end the lesson there? Why did they take you away? It's not fair. You deserve to be alive - you have so much life you were suppose to live. You had a brighter future... brighter than most. It's not fair...

I'm sorry I'm so angry. I keep recognizing my feelings and noticing that I'm going through the grieving stages. At first I didn't believe it... there were moments today that I still didn't believe it. And then I just felt incredibly guilty. Mitch I am so so sorry I didn't come home more to visit. I could have made so much more of an effort to see you this last semester. I'm glad that we got to text as much as we did but I should have been home more. I still feel guilty but yesterday and today I have felt so much anger. When I'm not angry, I'm crying. When I'm not angry or crying I feel so empty. I just feel drained and empty.

Look at me! Telling you how much pain I'm going through... you're the one that had the pain, the real problems. Again I'm so sorry that I keep thinking about myself. I saw how selfless you were, especially the last six or so months. I would text to check in on you and you would give me a brief update then immediately ask about ME and MY life. As if I have anything even close as important going on as you did. I do not know anyone else in your situation that would have acted that way.

Mitch... I miss you so much buddy. I wish you were here to put your big arm around me and give me another giant bear hug. I know that if you were here next to me you would tell me that it's okay. That everything is alright... I know that I'll eventually believe that. I know that you're an angel now. I know that you're playing basketball in heaven and loving every second of it. I know that you are moving so much easier than you were the last few months. I know that you are joking with everyone, showing them your tattoo and telling them to have a happy day! I just wish you were here, next to me, telling me that. So Finch sings this song that I've been listening to over and over today... here are the lyrics:

"Letters To You"
Can't you see that i wanna be there with open arms? It's empty tonight and I'm all alone...Get me through this one

Do you notice I'm gone? Where do you run to so far away?

I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so

I'm writing again these letters to you aren't much, I know
But I'm not sleeping and you're not here
The thought stops my heart

Do you notice I'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?

I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so.
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so.

I do miss you Mitch.. and I do feel alone and I wish I could just give you a big hug. I haven't slept in a few days... I just think about you and all these feelings I'm having. It's like I can literally feel my heart breaking. I hope you're getting my letters... I've written you a few. I think you are... You need to write back soon :)

Did I tell you about the dream I had about your sister? I had a dream that I was texting McKenna to get an update on you, see how everyone was doing, etc. She texted me back, "Why don't you ask him yourself?" At first I thought she was being really rude! I was kind of taken back! So I wrote back and said, "But I thought he couldn't read... or communicate at all..." She instantly replied, "He can understand you now."
That was the night that you died. I know that you wanted me to have that dream... to know that you can understand me and your mind and body is clear now. Thank you so much for that dream. It has brought me a lot of comfort. It's like when you took my hand last summer when we went to transformers (this was after one of your radiation sessions in SLC so you probably don't remember this; in fact i KNOW you don't remember because we talked later and you didn't remember who you went to the movie with haha... i digress). anyways you took my hand, looked me dead in the eye and said, "You don't have to worry about me anymore Alexis." Of course I have kept worrying about you... but again I wanted to say thanks for once again thinking of others and trying to lend me a comforting hand.

I know I'm going to see you again...But you know me, I'm just a little impatient. Well that's probably all for now... I'll keep in touch though.

You are such an amazing man Mitch. I am so thankful that you chose me to be one of your friends. I hope that someday I can be even half as strong, brave, courageous, and upbeat as you are. I love you so much and think about you so often. You haven't left my mind at all this week. Thank you again for being such an incredible friend to me. I love you with all of my heart.

Love,
Alexis Kay Hale

p.s. you better keep practicing your hoop skills because when I get up there you're going to finally teach me that lay-up! :)